How to Spot and Break Free From Trauma Bonding Patterns

You’re totally aware that your relationship is painful, chaotic, and an emotional rollercoaster. You may even be able to admit to yourself that it can be considered toxic.

And yet you can’t seem to let go.

Despite the all the misery, the confusion, and the rational part of your brain screaming that something just isn’t right, you find yourself drawn back to the same person who hurts you. Time and time again.

Your friends don’t understand. Your family is worried about you. Everyone asks why you don’t just up and leave.

And deep down, you’re asking yourself the very same question.

But you come up short for answers.

If this scenario resonates with you, there’s a good chance that what you’re experiencing is a trauma bond. A trauma bond is psychological response where a victim forms a strong emotional attachment to an abuser as a result of being subjected to cycles of abuse and reward.

Although it can feel like the most intense connection you’ve ever experienced, it isn’t love.

And though you may actually feel compelled to stand up for and defend the very person that’s causing you harm, it isn’t loyalty either.

Understanding trauma bonding and recognising these destructive patterns of abuse are the first crucial steps toward breaking free and reclaiming your life.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

The term “trauma bonding” was popularised by addiction specialist Patrick Carnes, who observed how victims often tend to develop strong yet unhealthy emotional attachments to their abusers. And make no mistake, trauma bonding is very much a form of abuse.

It can happen within a family, in social groups, in the workplace, and even in religious groups – most notably cults. Most commonly however, we associate trauma bonds with toxic romantic relationships.

The phenomenon occurs when someone experiences repeated cycles of abuse followed by affection, creating a powerful psychological dependency that can be incredibly difficult to break.

At the core of trauma bonding lies a predictable pattern that creates emotional confusion and dependency. The cycle typically follows these four stages:

1) Love-bombing (excessive affection and attention)

2) Increasing tension

3) Abuse or emotional withdrawal

4) Apologies and renewed affection

The cycle is then repeated, over and over again. And each turn of this wheel creates deeper emotional entanglement.

The brain responds to this cycle by becoming chemically and emotionally addicted to the highs and lows. During the abuse phase, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood the system. When the affection returns, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin. These are the same chemicals associated with love and bonding.

This whole process creates a powerful neurochemical cocktail that makes the relationship feel intensely meaningful, even when it’s actually very dysfunctional and destructive.

What Causes Trauma Bonding?

It’s believed that there are two specific unhealthy character traits that act as primary drivers of trauma bonding.

The first, and most important, is a strong need for power and control by the abuser. This is highly attributed to narcissistic personalities in the context of romantic and family relationships. The need for power over others can also exist in religious cults and manipulative groups, however, which typically use isolation and selective reinforcement to maintain control over their victims.

The second trait associated with trauma bonding is unhealthy attachments on the part of victims. Someone can develop a strong trauma bond when they rely on their abuser to fulfill their emotional needs.

This trait can most often be traced back to someone’s childhood.

Young children instinctively learn that their caregivers represent love, safety and protection. They’re therefore hard-wired to form strong bonds with caregivers to ensure their very survival. If a caregiver acts abusively, however, the child then strongly associates love and safety with abusive behaviours.

Without any other reference for how relationships work, the child can misinterpret this kind of unhealthy relationship as being normal. As an adult, someone with this kind of abusive upbringing can feel a powerful sense of security and connection in a trauma bonded relationship as a result.

Outside of relationships, these adults can also find themselves gravitating towards toxic workplaces, psychologically dependent on the unpredictable approval of abusive superiors.

How to Spot Trauma-Bonding Patterns

Recognising when you’re experiencing a trauma bond can be very challenging because they often masquerade as intense love or connection. It can feel very genuine.

Here are seven key signs that you may be a victim of trauma bonding:

1. You feel addicted to the person

You find yourself constantly craving their validation, attention, or affection, despite the fact that being with them often causes you pain. You may feel like you “need” them to feel whole or okay. Like an addiction, you may even experience anxiety when they’re not around.

2. You keep justifying their behaviour

You make excuses for their abuse, minimising their actions or blaming yourself for how they treat you. You might have thoughts such as, “They’re just stressed”, or “They had a difficult childhood”, or the old classic “If I hadn’t said that, they wouldn’t have reacted that way”. These mental gymnastics protect the bond by making their behaviour seem reasonable or justified.

3. You can’t leave, even if you want to

Despite recognising that the relationship is harmful and knowing rationally that you should leave, you feel emotionally paralysed to do so. You might experience intense fear, guilt, or hope that things will change for the better. The thought of leaving feels not just difficult, but impossible, creating a sense of being trapped.

4. You feel isolated

The person has gradually isolated you from your friends, family, or support systems, either through direct manipulation or by creating so much drama that maintaining other connections becomes just too hard. You may find yourself making excuses to avoid social situations, or feeling like no one else understands your relationship.

5. You experience intense highs and lows

The relationship feels like an emotional rollercoaster, with dramatic swings between ecstatic happiness and crushing despair. These extremes might feel like “passion”, or a sign that your connection is special, but they’re actually signs of an unhealthy dynamic.

6. You feel responsible for their emotions

You constantly walk on eggshells, trying to manage the person’s moods, fix their problems, or prevent their anger. You become hypervigilant about their emotional state, believing that their emotions are your responsibility.

7. You’re afraid of who you are without them

Your sense of self-worth, identity, or future has become so intertwined with the relationship that you can’t imagine who you’d be without it. The thought of being alone feels not just lonely, but like a complete loss of identity or purpose. Many people can actually also develop these feelings in a long-term healthy relationship, the difference of course being that, unlike a trauma bonded relationship, it’s loving and exciting, and where they hope to spend all their days.

Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break

Understanding why trauma bonds are so powerful can help you have some compassion for yourself. It will allow you to recognise that your difficulty leaving isn’t a result of weakness or some other failing on your part, but rather a natural human response to psychological manipulation.

There are a number of ways in which trauma bonds can imprison you emotionally.

Firstly, the cycle of abuse literally creates an addiction in the brain. During stressful periods, your body produces cortisol and adrenaline. And when relief comes, your brain floods with dopamine and oxytocin. This neurochemical rollercoaster creates a powerful association between the abuser and intense emotional experiences. This makes ordinary relationships feel boring or weak by comparison.

One of the most powerful tools for creating psychological dependency is intermittent reinforcement. This is achieved through occasional moments of kindness or affection in a trauma-bonded relationship, which keep you in a state of constantly hoping for change.

Just like a gambler who keeps playing in the hope of scoring a jackpot, you might stay in the relationship hoping for the return of the “good” version of your abuser.

For people exhibiting unhealthy attachments, past trauma or childhood wounds can also make emotional neglect and abuse seem normal. This can make unhealthy relationships feel familiar and safe. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional or where you learned that your needs weren’t important, you may unconsciously seek relationships that confirm these beliefs about yourself.

Trauma bonds often also exploit deep-seated fears of abandonment. The fear of being alone can feel more threatening than staying in an abusive situation, creating a psychological trap that keeps you trapped in the relationship.

How to Break Trauma Bonding Patterns

Breaking free from trauma bonds requires patience, support, and very often professional help. It’s a journey that you don’t need to, and usually shouldn’t, take on your own.

Here are nine essential steps that make up the healing process:

1. Recognise the trauma bond

Awareness is the first step towards your freedom. The first point to understand is that any “good times” of the relationship that you might wish to recall are all far from real. The love-bombing aspect of the trauma bonding cycle is in no way an expression of love or caring, but rather a manipulation tactic. It’s important to learn the distinct difference between the genuine expressions of love in a healthy relationship, and the disingenuous tools of abuse that create powerful but unhealthy emotions inside you.

2. Acknowledge the trauma bond

Next, acknowledge to yourself that you’re a victim of trauma bonding. Write down what it feels like and your experiences. Be honest, and say it out loud. Own the reality that you’re in without judging yourself. This step alone can begin to break the curse of confusion and self-doubt.

3. Cut off or limit contact

No contact is often essential to breaking the cycle. This may not always be possible, however, in situations involving children or other legal obligations. If you must maintain contact, keep it strictly limited and business-like. Remember that every interaction has the potential to restart the trauma bonding cycle.

4. Stop romanticising over selective memories

It’s quite common for people to look back on failed relationships, which inevitably cause significant pain, with rose coloured glasses, romanticising over the select good times. It can also be very tempting to fantasise going back to those times, and to wonder whether it would indeed be possible.

In the case of a trauma bonded relationship, however, those so-called “good times” weren’t ever real, but simply the abuser’s manipulation tactics working their magic on your emotions. It’s therefore always very counterproductive to your recovery to keep focusing on such memories. Even more concerning is the potential for you deciding to go back to your abuser as a result.

Avoid looking back. Instead, stay focused in the present and on building a healthier, more loving future.

5. Build a support network

Surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through. This might include friends, family members, therapists, or support groups. The advice from these individuals can be invaluable, and hearing about their own experiences will help you to realise that you’re not alone in what you’ve been though.

Your support network will prevent you from feeling lonely and dispel the lie that your abuser is the only person you can depend on. Also, having witnesses to your experience can help you stay grounded in reality when the urge to return feels overwhelming.

6. Reclaim your identity

Rediscover who you are without the relationship. What are your goals, values, and interests? What boundaries do you need to set? What activities bring you joy? The key is to choose activities and a refreshed lifestyle that make you feel like the best version of yourself.

Rebuilding your sense of self is crucial for long-term healing and for creating healthy relationships in the future. Very quickly you’ll learn to start relying on yourself for comfort and fulfilment rather than someone abusive.

7. Heal the root wounds

As we discussed earlier, the type of attachments that we develop as children can leave us susceptible to developing trauma bonds later in life as adults. Understanding how your early experience with relationships is affecting you as an adult is an important step toward positive change.

It’s a good idea to work with a qualified therapist to address the underlying issues that made you vulnerable to trauma bonding in the first place. This might involve inner child work, EMDR, somatic therapy, or cognitive behavioural therapy. Importantly, understanding why you bonded with pain can help you avoid similar patterns in the future.

8. Educate yourself

Learn about trauma, emotional abuse, and manipulative dynamics. Understanding the psychology behind these patterns can help you make sense of your experiences and understand that they weren’t your fault, but a consequence of being human.

In addition, knowledge is power. It can help you recognise red flags and trust your instincts in any future relationships.

9. Practice self-compassion and patience

Understand that healing doesn’t always happen in a straight line. You may experience setbacks, waves of grief, and moments of confusion. This is okay, it’s normal and doesn’t mean you’re failing. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend going through a difficult time. Take each day as it comes and be proud of your gradual progress on your healing journey.

Signs You’re Healing from a Trauma Bond

Recovery from trauma bonding is a process, and recognising the signs of healing can help you celebrate your progress and keep you motivated.

You’ll know you’re healing when you no longer obsess over your abuser’s reactions or moods, when you feel peace rather than panic at the thought of walking away, and when you stop blaming yourself for their abuse.

In the beginning you may feel anger over what you went through, but over time that too will subside as you find more inner peace.

Other positive signs include learning to trust yourself and your boundaries, seeking connection from safe and reciprocal relationships, and feeling genuinely excited about your future without your abuser.

You’ll likely also notice that with all the anxiety, guilt and shame lifting off your shoulders you sleep better, have more energy for activities you enjoy, and begin to feel more like “the old you” that you once loved and respected so much.

Moving Forward

Healing from trauma bonds is never easy, but it’s absolutely possible. Thousands of people have broken free from these abusive patterns and gone on to have fulfilling, healthy relationships with others and with themselves. You can do the same.

Everyone deserves love that doesn’t hurt, manipulate, or control. And we all deserve relationships that make us feel more like ourselves, not less.

Your healing journey begins with a single step, no matter how small it might be. Whether it’s setting a boundary, reaching out to somebody for help, or simply acknowledging your truth, every action you take toward freedom is an act of self-love and courage.

To help you get started on your own journey, you can download our free “60-Day Trauma Bond Healing Journey” Journal Prompt Sheet by clicking here.

You have the strength inside you to break free and create the life you deserve. Be brave, take the first step, and make it happen!