Why Finding Trauma Support Online Can Stop You From Healing

Like many people, I’ve had my share of challenges in my life where I’ve needed the support of others to get me through. If you’re interested, you can read more about my background and the various ups and downs of my life on my About page.

Since writing that page, I unfortunately also suffered a second major depressive episode last year, which took me about four months to overcome. Luckily for me, I’m surrounded by wonderful people – healthcare professionals, friends and family, with whose support I was able to recover and move on once again with my life. I’m incredibly grateful to all of them.

So I’m certainly no stranger to situations in life that are difficult or impossible to get through without the support of others.

I think that the Internet can be a great source of support for many people in need. There’s a variety of great websites, social media pages, discussion forums, and so on, that people can turn to for invaluable help.

One of the great things about online support is that, no matter what your situation, you’ll always be able to find someone else who’s gone through or is going through exactly the same thing. That’s something you won’t always be able to find in the real world.

Being able to talk to someone who you know knows exactly how you feel, because they’ve been there, can be uniquely helpful and comforting.

The problem is, however, that sometimes connecting with such people online can actually be a little too comforting.

What do I mean by that?

Well, I often spend time on various social media support sites, whether they’re for people suffering from mental health issues, abusive relationships, victims of assault or abuse, and so on, to try to lend words of support, advice and comfort where I can.

And while these sites by and large are a great space for people in pain to start their healing journey, I’ve noticed over time that there appears to be quite a number of them who seem to linger there for extended periods of their lives. Like many months, sometimes even a year or more.

And I don’t really think that’s so healthy.

This appears to particularly be a thing with people who are victims of abusive, unhealthy relationships and the associated trauma.

Of course, talking is a very important part of overcoming any kind of trauma or pain in life. And it can sometimes take a while to mentally and emotionally come to terms with what’s happened, to process it, and finally, to make peace with it.

There will no doubt also need to be a lot of venting going on. A lot of things that need to come off one’s chest.

That’s natural.

But I also think that dwelling too long on this part of the healing process is counterproductive. There will come a time to leave the negativity and pain behind, and move on with life. And the sooner that can happen, the better.

I see so many people however who seem to have made these online support pages their new home. They enthusiastically indulge in their daily venting sessions, unleashing over and over about how they were wronged. Posting meme after meme about what narcissists do and don’t do, and how horrible and toxic they are.

Or whatever the case may be.

And it goes on, week after week, month after month.

As I said, there’s definitely a time for all that in the healing process. But it’s important not to fall into the trap of staying in that space indefinitely. For your own sake.

I know it feels great to vent all the hurt and anger. To beat down your wrongdoer over and over, metaphorically speaking. It’s a great release, and it feels therapeutic.

Someone who’s been wronged has every right to be angry.

But anger can be toxic. Allowing yourself to stew in anger eventually eats away at you.

Regardless of how it may feel at the time, the fact is it only prolongs your suffering. And as painful as it may be to acknowledge, it does absolutely nothing to the person who hurt you. They’ll most likely go on with their life in blissful ignorance.

It sucks, I know. But life’s not always fair.

No one ever said it was.

So I guess the message I’m trying to get across here is to ask yourself, “Am I visiting online support sites for support during my time of need, as they were intended? Or am I using them to make myself feel better by indulging in ongoing venting?”

Wallowing in bitterness can be like a drug sometimes.

Like I said, you may well have the right to be angry. Very angry.

But this isn’t about your rights. It’s about your health. And the quality of your future life.

Healing from trauma takes time. But like a bird with a broken wing, you need to fly again as soon as you can.

But that’s easier said than done, I know.

So here are five basic steps to follow for the healing process that I hope will help you:

Step #1 – Leave

The first step to healing from trauma is to remove yourself from the source of the pain. If a tree were to fall on your leg and break it, it couldn’t start getting better until that tree was gone.

But of course, just as some trees are heavier and harder to shift than others, some abusive situations are simpler to extract yourself from than others.

Nevertheless, nothing will change in your life until you manage to take that vital step.

There’s plenty of help available if you look for it, including law enforcement if it comes to that. So take advantage of whatever you can.

Do it as soon as possible. As Dr. Phil often says, “Do you know what’s worse than a year in an abusive or harmful situation? A year and one day in a an abusive or harmful situation.”

Step #2 – Nest

Once you’ve managed to put the trouble behind you and you’re ready to start the healing process, the first step is to start reaching out to the people and resources you need in your corner supporting you.

Trauma is tough to deal with on your own, but you don’t need to.

The first obvious support base will come from close friends and family. Then, there are also women’s shelters, women’s groups, charity groups, local church groups, online support sites, and so on.

Reach out to whomever you can.

Sometimes the best help will come from the unlikeliest and most unexpected of places. But it can only come if you ask for it.

Step #3 – Heal

Once you’re in a safe place, supported by those who are going to be there for you, then it’s time to take the time to heal.

How long does this take? It depends.

It depends on what hurt you, how badly it hurt you, and how much it has disrupted your life.

And it depends on you.

Everyone’s different.

As I discussed in the introduction to this blog post, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life on this stage. Remember, your objective right now is to heal, but the end goal is to ultimately move on with your life.

The people around you will most likely be very supportive of the time you take to heal from your trauma. But those closest to you will no doubt call you out if and when you start overdoing it.

If you start noticing gentle prompts to leave the past behind and start getting back into your life, don’t ignore them. Ask yourself whether you really do need more time to heal, or whether you’re really just allowing yourself to wallow in bitterness and self-pity.

That’s not going to help you in any way. It’ll only extend the pain that the trauma has already inflicted on you, and make your life more miserable.

There’s an old saying with depression – “Feeling better isn’t necessarily getting better.”

Do what you need to do to get better, then move on.

Step #4 – Grow

They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And so it is with any traumatic event in your life.

It’s important to take advantage of these setbacks, since this is how we grow. To do otherwise is to waste a golden opportunity.

The pain of trauma is unfortunately unavoidable. It’s something that you simply have to grin and bear. Only time makes it better. At least it should, if you take the time to heal in a healthy way.

Reflect on what it is that hurt you and how you can grow from it. Here are some helpful questions you can ask yourself:

Step #5 – Live

Once you’ve overcome your traumatic event, you’re a stronger, wiser, more capable person. You’ve grown. And so you should continue your life accordingly.

No one likes to be hurt. But life doesn’t always give us a choice.

Once you’ve fully healed and grown from trauma, you should feel a sense of excitement at the prospect of your future life as a new, better person. It should feel like a bright, sunny day after a terrible storm.

This is why it’s important not to allow yourself to stew in bitterness and self-pity. Because it prevents you from moving on into this exciting new phase of your life.

That would be a tragedy.

So ask yourself whether you, too, are guilty of abusing online sources of support by allowing yourself to indulge in an ongoing cycle of venting and bitterness with others. That may feel good in the moment, but it will only hold you back.

Some people say that the best revenge is to live well. That may be true, but this isn’t about revenge. It’s about you, and no one else. Because you’re what matters.

The fact is that when something or someone has hurt you, when you look past the pain, they have also usually helped you. Even if it wasn’t their intention.

It’s up to you to heal, and then focus on growing and moving on rather than focusing on the past.